To Oh-Oh-Seven
The leg’s in the smoker and the Juice is on ice
Gore rests on laurels at Vick’s dog fights
Goodbye Fredo, fade-out Sopranos
Pootie YouTube nappy-headed hos
Bubble bursts, bridge falls down
Six entombed underground
Surges, purges, foot-tapping urges
Castro’s not dead, but Ladybird is
Helmsley’s pooch, Gere’s smooch
Lindsay’s hooch, Britney’s cooch
Blackwater wildfire Dick’s cousin Obama
They don’t have maps! Hey, remember Osama?
Hillary, Rudy, Mitt, and Fred
Tainted toothpaste, toys with lead
Pet food cavemen quagmire in Iraq
Shit meet fan: Turks attack
Phony soldiers man-sized safes
Leave her alone! Scooter’s walk chafes
Monks riot, lawyers in tear gas mist
General Betray Us, Bonds’ asterisk
Bernanke iPhone Iran bombing any day
Don’t tase me bro! I’ve never been gay.
None too soon this year will be through
We’re kicking ass whoop-dee-damn-doo.
[a cookie to anybody who identifies the six quotations, without Googling]
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Lex Luthor’s Mail
Years ago, I had a had a second phone line in my home office for data and faxes. Remember faxes?
I didn’t want anybody calling in to that line. I also didn’t want to pay the extra for an unlisted number. Fortunately, there’s an alternative. The phone company doesn’t advertise this fact, but you can get a phone in another name. Any name.
So I chose the name of Lex Luthor, Superman’s arch-nemesis.
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Sex, lies and anesthesia
In October of 1991, Phil Donahue based an entire program on my article about erotic hallucinations in American Health magazine. He flew in my source from Belfast to appear in his studio. Donahue held up the magazine on camera and read essentially my entire article on the air, instantly reducing the value of my exclusive to zero. He didn’t even mention my name. I sent Donahue a note suggesting that he do a program on talk show hosts who rip off struggling freelance writers. Donahue never replied.
Sex, lies and anesthesia
Some female patients who press sexual-assault charges against their dentists or doctors may actually have delusions caused by anesthesia.
Recent research suggests that intravenous benzodiazepines — a class of drugs that includes Valium — can cause vivid sexual fantasies, particularly in women. These drugs are often administered, usually with no anesthesiologist present, during outpatient surgical procedures to achieve a semi-wakeful state.
Dr. John Dundee, a professor of anesthesiology at the Queen’s University of Belfast, in Northern Ireland, investigated 35 cases of sedation-induced hallucinations, 27 of which involved women. Most, he found, had a “disturbing sexual element” — usually breast or genital fondling, Yet Dundee maintains that in most cases sexual contact would not have occurred — because others were present or because the allegations were actually “physically impossible.”
Sexual hallucinations triggered by other anesthetics, such as nitrous oxide, are well-documented. “It could really happen with many anesthetics, depending on the circumstances,” says oral surgeon J. Theodore Jastak, of the Oregon Health Sciences University.
Dentists and doctors who have been falsely accused of sexual assault have lost licenses and even been imprisoned, Dundee says. “It’s been a horrible experience for these people.”
But Dr. Glen Gabbard, director of the Menninger Hospital in Topeka, Kan., contends that sexual exploitation of patients is “a very common phenomenon” and that the number of false accusations is “infinitely small” compared with cases of real abuse. He’s concerned that reports of sedation-induced fantasies “could be used as an excuse to say exploitation isn’t really a problem.”
The best defense for both the physician and the sedated patient, says Gabbard, is to make sure a third person is present during the entire procedure.
American Health 10/91
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